The Inspiration Behind This Site

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 26 years old.  My mental issues, however, go much farther back then that.  I remember experiencing my first battle with suicidal ideation being at the age of 8.  I was being picked on at school to an extreme, and wasn't doing very well grade wise, and after a big fight with my parents I felt life would be better for everyone if I had never been born, and wishing I had the courage to end my life.  I even wrote my parents a note about this.  Around this time I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on meds that did not agree with me at all.  A lot more happened between there and now, and I will go into those stories in the next few blog entries.  Fast forward almost 30 years...In September of 2014 I found myself in probably the worst manic episode with psychosis I have ever experienced.  If you are a sufferer of bipolar and psychosis you understand how real things can seem to you during these times.  In this blog I will not go into the details behind what got me to this point, but I will eventually.  During this time I did seek help because even though my meds had been working for over a year I knew they weren't enough during this time.  I asked my doctor for a medicine that could help me even more, and she prescribed me Abilify.  (note: I am not bashing any medication  some meds work for some and not for others) It seemed to help at first, but after a week it seemed to have removed that tiny voice from my brain that said "hey this is not a good idea".  I was in a place mentally where I felt unwanted from my friends and family.  I felt abandoned and betrayed for legitimate reasons, to some degree, however, this feeling was intensified by my psychosis and bipolar, and my reaction was extreme.  After a fight with my then husband it was all I needed to follow through with my plans to hurt myself.  I ended up intentionally overdosing, and was on life support for 3 days.  At the time that I overdosed I honestly believed that no one wanted me, that my life was hurting others.  I believed in that moment that everyone was better off without me.  That I just wanted the pain to stop, and I wanted to stop hurting those around me.  To me in that moment my life couldn't get any worse.  I was very wrong.  I woke up to my parents getting custody of my 4 children.  My marriage on the rocks, a huge financial crisis, and so much more.  It only got worse from there, and I will share that with you in future blogs.  The reason I chose this name for the site is because I found myself crying and wondering why God let me live, only to wake up to this hell I was in, and I would stare at a search engine trying to think of what to type in to find some help, answers, or anything....and all I could type was why am I still here...

This blog is for those who have wondered the same thing, and I hope to help you see why you are still here

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