As stated in the inspiration behind this site page I lost my children after my suicide attempt that landed me on life support for a few days. My parents filed for an emergency custody order. After such an attempt, and the other erratic behaviors that Bipolar can cause child custody can often become an issue. No one trusts your parenting anymore, and it can be hard to prove yourself again. Often times after the loss of the children your behavior only worsens, because the grief can be unbearable. It’s an ambiguous loss, because the children are still alive, but no longer in your care. Sometimes you are unable to see them at all.
The effects can be seriously damaging, and the bipolar can make you feel you need to act out, trigger manic episodes, depression, and mixed episodes. These episodes only further complicate the child custody process, as they are often used against you in any further court proceedings, especially if the family member is not understanding of your mental illness. I found that the social service investigations, court proceedings, family judgements, the shame and the loss so overwhelming that it was hard to function in anyway that was productive. I avoided seeing the doctor regularly, or seeing a therapist. Now that I am in a better place its easier to receive, and be receptive to treatment, and its the only thing bringing me back to some semblance of sanity.
What you don’t realize when you lose your children to custody (or any other means) it’s the little things that break you down. You go to the store for groceries, and think to yourself “Hey I need to get Brians favorite cereal”, or “Look Chelsea would love that new Monster High doll that is on sale”, only to realize they aren’t there. When you are a full time parent sometimes the endless shoutings of “MOM” drive you insane, but I can tell you now…not hearing it anymore is worse. One day you swear if you hear “mom” again you are going to run off and change your name, and the next day you would give your right arm to hear your child say mom again.
The moral of this story is first off to let you know that if you have gone through this you are not alone. Second get help if you are having suicidal thoughts or ideation if you need immediate help
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The sooner you prevent it the less of a chance you have to go through what I have been through. Whether you have been through it or not and just want someone to talk to feel free to comment below, or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org